Today was so blah…

I just felt super off. I almost felt like a fraud as I walked into my office. Smiling and saying good morning like I do every day. Having the same type of conversations and trying to hide the fact that I made a pretty serious decision over the weekend.  Pretending I’m not thinking about this blog, that Instagram and all the things that may come from it. But my feelings haven’t changed. Mind you, I’ve only just committed to all this yesterday but we’re two days strong.  Two days into the 152 day journey to leaving it all behind to find what I truly want to do with my life.  Giving up security, ambition, major success and years of working towards the person I am right now.  But I’m also giving up the stress, anxiety, loss of patience, constant regretful thoughts and the feelings of just not being where I’m supposed to be.

I can’t help but feel guilty for wanting to leave a company that has treated me so well. Yes, I have worked extremely hard to get to where I am but they rewarded me and encouraged me and gave me the tools I needed to reach this level. They have been great to me.  And I want to leave them.  Not because they’ve done anything wrong but because it’s just not the right fit for me anymore.

I’m borderline scared to disappoint the people who I have shared 40 hours a week for the last 5 years with. I’m nervous they’ll be mad, let down, confused.  I was explaining this to my husband tonight and he was talking about how so many of us have been taught and preached to about doing the right thing, seeing it through to the end, keeping your head down and working hard. It’s almost engrained in us to not seek what seems risky or impractical.  And that’s why so many people like me never become anything other than the really hard working dedicated leader in a company where we work hard for someone else’s dream.  We continue to push ours down because we’re making good money and we’re comfortable and we don’t dread going to work.  We convince ourselves that what we have is enough. We’re able to live a fraction of the life we’ve dreamed of and that’s enough. But there’s more out there then just comfort. I want excitement, passion, triumph and the confidence in knowing that when I lay my head down at night, I am exactly where I belong in my own life.